


接続

by baeconandeggs



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-12
Updated: 2016-05-12
Packaged: 2018-06-08 00:34:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6831727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baeconandeggs/pseuds/baeconandeggs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“The world keeps on getting smaller and smaller, and everything comes ‘round full circle.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	接続

**Author's Note:**

> 接続is Japanese for ‘connection’, what this fic is all about. At first, I didn’t want to use foreign characters, but simply naming this ‘link’ or ‘connection’ didn’t appeal to me. Since the OP asked for time skip and that’s kind of _my thing_ , I divided this into two parts. First part is Chanyeol POV, second part is Baekhyun POV. ~Big thanks to the mods for being so completely lovely and for their never-ending patience and understanding; to V and A for being there to weep with me, and also C, who patiently listened to all of the plot changes this story went through.

_“Because I've met you, I don't fear anything anymore.”_

**Jeonpo, Busanjin District, November 2015.**

 

On a cold December night, it is expected to stay home and watch some dumb romantic comedy while drinking some sort of hot beverage because who would ever want to set foot outside? 

“Say, Chanyeol, a few of our friends are hanging out tonight; there’s a bar, nice drinks and, most importantly, it’s open mic. And that’s not all! It’s right around the corner. Just a 10 minute walk from Jeonpo station.”

Kibum would, Chanyeol thought. 

“Do not give me that sighy sass of yours and just get ready. They’re waiting for us.”

“They could have, at least, picked us up, don’t you think?” 

“Walking will be good for warming up, don’t you think?” Kibum replied, imitating him perfectly. 

Chanyeol hated him. 

 

They got to the bar almost at midnight, 40 minutes later, and Chanyeol hated to admit it, but the walk from the station to the pub had actually helped him get rid of most of the cold he was feeling back home. Still, when he looked around, he only saw Kibum’s friends. Typical.

“I can almost hear what you’re thinking, Chanyeol. It’s not my fault; you always fall for the same dumb lie.”

What bothered him the most was, probably, the fact that Kibum was right. 

But, as he thought about ways of spiking Kibum’s drink sometime during the early morning so he would have a killer hangover when he woke up, he was already there, and going back home only seemed like a tantrum a toddler would throw, so he would at least have a few drinks and pay attention to the wannabe singers of the night. Maybe they’d be bad enough to make him laugh out loud.

 

An hour later, he was surprised by a familiar face onstage. He was an acquaintance he’d made through –unsurprisingly– Kibum, but he never knew the guy was a singer, though, and being part of Kibum’s group of friends, it could also be part of a dare. He wished the guy good luck mentally if that was the case.

“Hey, Kibum. Jonghyun’s about to sing, is he good?”

Kibum looked at him, disbelief written all over his face, “you’re telling me he’s your senior at school but you didn’t know he sings?”

“Would I ask you if I did?” 

Kibum snorted, “you could see two people kissing and you’d still ask if they’re kissing.”

Chanyeol decided to ignore him since the song had already started.

It surprised him how natural it seemed for Jonghyun to sing in front of a crowd of people his age. He also had a voice that would go well with jazz or R&B, and it was overall nice to listen to it.

“I’m not sure whether his voice is really that nice or my ears are just grateful to hear actual singing after all those screeching goats who sang before him,” Chanyeol told Kibum, who didn’t even bother to cover his mouth as he laughed at Chanyeol’s words.

“Just when I was about to forget why we’re friends!”

Of course Kibum would congratulate him on his bluntness. 

 

A half hour later, Chanyeol was still sitting on the same spot he’d been since he arrived. He’d given up alcohol because he was already sleepy since everyone he could possibly know were sitting to his right and the people to his left were a group of loud kids who seemed underage. 

Jonghyun had stopped by after his performance and they had chatted for a bit before he went back to his own table and friends. So, being pretty much alone, unable to speak to half of the group he was with, Chanyeol was close to falling asleep.

“I think I’m gonna go home,” he told Kibum.

“We’re waiting for the girl who will sing after the next participant; it’s Jokwon’s sister, let’s wait for her and go home together.” 

Chanyeol nodded and sat straight, if he got any more comfortable, he’d end up unable to even walk home. Not exactly the side of him he’d like strangers to see.

The next person onstage was a guy straight out of Chanyeol’s worst nightmares; he was shorter than him, had the cutest smile he’d ever seen, great stage presence and, on top of everything, thighs that screamed ‘I exercise!!!’. He reminded him exactly of a past flame of his; some Chinese transfer on his last year of advertising and PR, except this guy currently standing onstage was like a 2.0 version. And that was close to an insult towards stage-boy.

Honestly speaking, Chanyeol didn’t pay attention to the boy’s introduction or the title of the song he’d sing. He was entranced by the way his mouth moved and how those trousers didn’t really show off the set of Amazing Thighs™ Chanyeol was sure he could find under the fabric.

Chanyeol thought maybe it was all good looks as the guy started dancing rather ridiculously as he waited for his cue to sing, but then, as he sang the first verse, his voice was all Chanyeol could hear. No background music or chatter, nothing apart from his voice.

“Kibum!” He swatted his hand excitedly towards his friend, “that’s the voice!”

Kibum rolled his eyes at him, though Chanyeol couldn’t have seen it, as his eyes were still trained on the guy, “who are you, Shane Gray?”

In a quick snap back to reality, he finally turned to look at Kibum, “I’m more disappointed in myself for getting that reference than I am in you for using it.”

The song was close to its end, as Chanyeol remembered listening to it plenty when he was younger and still living with his parents. He had always had special resentment towards songs that were less than three minutes long, and now that a man with a voice he’d only dreamt of up until then had appeared and sang one, it was an irrefutable fact.

He sadly saw as the guy left the stage after bowing like people in western films do, and followed him with his eyes until he couldn’t see him anymore. He thought of going after him, but that wouldn’t have been easy, if the amount of people inside the bar was anything to go by. Besides, what could he even say if he got to him? It was an awkward encounter he could easily avoid, even if it meant taking the difficult route to meeting him.

 

“I’m so glad I’m not Jokwon’s close friend,” he said casually as he and Kibum walked outside and waited for a taxi.

“Why’s that?”

“I can’t for the life of me remember his sister.”

“Park Chanyeol, you are a terrible human being,” was all Kibum told him, amusement clear in his eyes.

 

**Dongseo University, Sasang District, December 2015.**

 

Lunch time with his friends was always more than just time to eat for Chanyeol; it was the time where his faith in God as well as his patience got tested repeatedly within a span of thirty minutes that felt like three hours, no less.

“I would like to have a quiet lunch with you sometime, I swear.” 

“What’s the point, then? We were sent your way to make your life miserable.”

What Chanyeol hated the most was the fact that the two people in front of him at the moment were actually quiet most of the time, so he really couldn’t understand why, of all reasons, they liked ganging up on him.

“We’re not doing a good job, though,” Jooheon piped up, “mermaid guy got his knickers in a twist quicker than us.”

“Mermaid guy?” Chanyeol asked, looking at Jooheon’s face like he was stupid.

“Well, he sang a song and got you hooked, didn’t he? So he’s like a siren that sang a song.”

Yoongi smacked him in the back of his head, “even I know those are not the same types of creatures.”

“And there’s a term for ‘male mermaids’, in case you didn’t know.”

“Ignore him and just tell me,” Yoongi said, fixing his fringe, “are you sure his voice was exactly what you’re looking for? What if you were too drunk and sleepy?”

Chanyeol sighed loudly.

“I thought of that possibility, but after dreaming about it for the past week, I think it’s safe to say it is what I need.”

“So… what do you know about him?”

Jesus Christ why did they have to ask the wrong questions.

“It is not about what I know about him, but what I will find out about him.”

Jooheon cackled, “meaning you have no idea what his name is or what’s his major, or if he even goes here.”

“Chanyeol, I respect you as my senior, but if you were to become a DJ, we could call you Major Lozer,” Yoongi said going for a high five with Jooheon.

“Honestly, though, you can’t find someone whose name you don’t even know.”

He chuckled, “that’s why I have friends who have friends that have friends,” Chanyeol said, determined, “I will find him.”

 

It wasn’t that Chanyeol was obsessed with a faceless voice he heard by accident, like Kibum had initially thought. In reality, Chanyeol, a self-proclaimed composer, had composed music and lyrics for a voice he had never heard before. He was sure he would find someone to fit his music, and when he did, he would have to work hard to keep that voice interested so he could continue working on what he loved. 

Clearly, finding _the voice_ in a person who looked like all the sins he had yet to commit wasn’t in his plans, but he wasn’t going to let that work against him and his art. He had bigger problems at hand, like actually finding the owner of the voice in a city as big as the one he lived in, knowing nothing but the name of the song he sang at a bar on a Thursday night.

He was mostly surprised by the fact that he didn’t know who the guy was despite knowing numerous people from uni. He would have to –regretfully– ask his friends for help on such a delicate matter.

“Seriously, Chanyeol. I don’t know him.”

That was more surprising than not knowing the guy himself. Kibum knew most of the influential people on campus, and everyone knew Kibum everywhere.

“You have loads of friends, though. Can’t you ask them if they know him?”

Kibum looked at him in the eye, “I will ask if someone knows this guy with no name who ‘sings like angel’, and when I find him, you will have to do my laundry for three months straight.”

Chanyeol nodded as he internally prayed that he’d find the guy first so he wouldn’t have to go near Kibum’s dirty laundry. That would be mentally scarring.

“I will set you up with Jonghyun if you do!”

He wasn’t sure if the shoe flying in his direction meant Kibum agreed or not.

 

**Daedong apt. complex, Busanjin District, January 2016**

 

Two months had gone by and neither Chanyeol nor Kibum’s friends had found the guy. Someone close to Taecyeon, a friend of Jokwon’s, had even asked a friend of his in Japan, but even then they’d had no luck.

“Look, I’m not telling you to give up, but I can’t believe even people in Japan know about this search of yours, and we still haven’t found him. Even I’m starting to believe we all imagined him.”

Chanyeol and Kibum had been friends for a while and this was the first time Chanyeol saw him look actually worried about something. He understood why, though.

“Like I would give up if I was told to,” he replied, smiling brightly, “it’s okay though, I will find him. You’ve helped me enough already, and I think I would be farther away from meeting him if it wasn’t for all the strings you’ve pulled.”

“I’m not saying this because I will stop helping, I’m just saying, what if he was just a passer-by? A guy from, say, Seoul or somewhere far like that?”

Chanyeol gasped.

“Should I get a sketch like when the police ask you to identify a murderer? Maybe I could send that to other parts of the country.”

“I cannot deal with your level of stupidity. Also, you probably would only describe his legs and lips because that’s the only thing you remember, since you can’t really put the sound of a voice on paper.”

What are friends for if not being brutally honest to your face?

 

**Daedong apt. complex, Busanjin District, February 2016**

 

Chanyeol was sitting on the edge of the sofa, frowning at the TV when Kibum found him. There were several empty beer cans on the coffee table, as well as peanuts in and out of a bag.

“She needs to marry Junghwan, goddamn it!”

Ah.

“Chanyeol, why are you strangling that beer can when it’s still full? Get a drop of it on the carpet and you’ll be dead.”

He signalled him to leave, “there are more important things at hand. Dukseon, I mean, Sooyeon needs to marry Junghwan, for example.”

“There are three things you should know, Chanyeol,” Kibum replied, pausing for effect, “first, I already know who’s the husband; second, that is not more important than the price for a rug cleanse,” he paused again; “third, I’ll pile my dirty clothes and put them in your room so you can start washing them whenever.”

Chanyeol made another hand gesture, “yeah, whatever, let me watch my thing in peace.”

Kibum knew Chanyeol wouldn’t pay him any mind the moment he saw him engrossed with the TV, but he didn’t think he was this slow, either. Oh, well.

 

“Kibum, what’s with that smelly bag in my room?” Chanyeol looked greatly confused, to Kibum’s surprise. 

It had been two hours since he’d talked to Chanyeol. 

“There’s a pile of my clothes at the end of your bed,” he sang, “I’m sure you can figure out why, come on. Your brain is like a muscle, a little thinking won’t hurt it.”

Chanyeol looked affronted for a total of twelve seconds, as Kibum counted, before it seemingly dawned on him.

“Kim Kibum. Did you find him?”

 

**Dongeui University, Busanjin District, February 2016**

 

“My stomach feels like a washing machine in quick mode, Kibum, why am I doing this again?” Chanyeol said into his phone.

He was at a very nice coffee shop, two bottles of water in front of him –one empty, the other half full. 

“Because you were set up to meet The Guy, maybe? And stop drinking so much water, you’re going to throw up if you do,” he couldn’t reply because, as usual, the line went dead before he had the chance.

“Shitty friends will be shitty,” he managed to mutter under his breath before he felt a hand on his left shoulder. Needless to say, the screech he let out was heard by the whole clientele.

He heard two different sets of chuckles, “you must be Chanyeol?”

“Yeah, though I wish I wasn’t,” he said, truthfully, as he clutched his chest, eyes still wild. “And you are?”

“Ah, yeah, I’m Amber. I’m friends with someone who’s friends with a guy from your university. And this is Baekhyun,” she said pushing The Guy, _Baekhyun_ , towards him.

If Kibum were there, he’d be laughing his sweet ass off, Chanyeol was sure. The reason? Well, for one, he could feel himself rooted to the floor. His tongue felt heavy, too, and he hadn’t had the chance to school his expression, so he was pretty sure his face looked a bit like ‘holy shit he’s here’. It was probably obvious.

Then, he saw more than heard Baekhyun speaking.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” he said, smiling, “I’m Baekhyun, and you’re Chanyeol, the person who has been looking for me for a long time, apparently.”

 _No fucking way_ , that was all Chanyeol could think of. He took a deep breath.

“The pleasure is all mine, really. Hope you don’t find me weird for being so persistent about finding you.”

“I think it’s cute, I wouldn’t have come if I’d thought so. Even so, I came with a friend in case it was, in fact, weird,” the girl scoffed.

“I can see it’s not going to be weird, so I’ll take my leave. Have fun,” she gave them a smile and a small nod before turning around.

It had been five minutes at most, but Chanyeol found himself already liking her. 

Once she’d left, Baekhyun turned to him, “I know what you’re thinking,” he laughed, “she’s the coolest girl you’ll ever meet.”

Chanyeol only smiled back, taking his sweet time looking at the man in front of him up close. 

He was wearing a pink hoodie with a dark green leaf of sorts on the centre, black ripped skinny jeans and vans. The first thing that crossed his mind was that he looked like one of those characters described in fanfiction, but his hair was mused and jet black in a way that screamed ‘I didn’t even try’. His face, well… that was something Chanyeol didn’t quite know how to describe. The only thing he could think of were his lips and that blinding smile he’d first seen months ago. It was a full-face smile. 

Now, he needed to say something, because that check out had been obvious and, honestly speaking, he didn’t want to give the man the wrong impression.

“Right, uh. I’m Park Chanyeol, I study Film & Video at Dongseo and I compose music during my spare time,” he felt dumb introducing himself like that. “I also promise I’m usually more eloquent, I’m just… a bit surprised I’m actually in front of you.”

Baekhyun snorted, “I do have that effect on people. I’m a second year at Dongeui and I’m part of the music club. Can I ask you something, though?”

“Sure, anything,” Chanyeol swallowed thickly, worried Baekhyun would just ask him to go or to give up on helping him.

“Why me?” Baekhyun asked. His face showed confusion in a way Chanyeol could only describe as adorable, “I mean, I’m not saying I’m bad, but why? I’m a stranger.”

“Oh,” he very eloquently replied, “you see, I’ve composed a shitload of songs, and all of them require a specific type of voice, and I happened to be there that night, and I heard you.”

Baekhyun nodded slowly, “so, you mean I have that voice you wrote songs for? That’s wicked!”

 

Later that night, Chanyeol was sitting on a kitchen stool, smiling widely; he’d got Baekhyun’s number, which Baekhyun himself saved with a puppy emoji beside his name. He also learnt a few other things about him: he was actually older than Chanyeol, was on a scholarship for industrial design at Dongeui, and worked part time at a store Monday through Thursday.

He knew Kibum wouldn’t be home for the night, but still sent him a text message. _Do you believe in love at first sight? It’s an illusion, I don’t care; I’m in love with The Guy._

 

**Dongseo University, Sasang District, April 2016.**

“Hey, Chanyeol,” he heard Baekhyun’s voice, “let’s get lunch together.”

There were a couple of things he realised at that moment: first, it wasn’t a question, and Chanyeol would never, ever, admit it, but he really liked that. Second, Baekhyun had taken the time to come visit him during lunch on a regular Friday. 

He quickly gathered his things and walked towards the door.

“What are you doing here? How did you even know where I was?”

Baekhyun tapped his lower lip with his index, “I came here because I want to know a few things; I asked your flatmate and he said you didn’t have much to do today after lunch, and gave me a ride,” he replied. “I like him.”

Chanyeol snorted, “I can’t see why.” 

But, as he said that, he couldn’t stop thinking about how sinfully cute Baekhyun looked. He was wearing a beanie and skinny jeans with a fake leather jacket over a simple white shirt. His smile was warm and his eyes crinkled, and Chanyeol couldn’t help but feel as if he’d been trapped in a spider web. That wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, right? It was obvious Baekhyun knew what he was doing, anyway. 

Chanyeol was both nervous and ecstatic. It’d been half a year since they’d first met, and it was the first time Baekhyun visited him at school. 

They often met on the weekends; it was mostly Baekhyun who visited Chanyeol at his house or some park nearby, since Baekhyun had three other roommates with whom he wasn’t close, so it’d been arranged so that they worked on their schoolwork together. After they were done, Chanyeol would make Baekhyun pick a couple of songs by name. To Chanyeol’s relief, it seemed like Baekhyun liked his songs.

Chanyeol guided him to a book café on campus, hoping it wouldn’t seem much like a date. He didn’t even know if Baekhyun was into that kind of thing, and felt momentarily dumb for choosing by himself instead of asking him; they didn’t have many options nearby, though. At least Baekhyun looked far from bored, so that was good.

“Do you plan on reading a book to me?” Baekhyun playfully hit Chanyeol’s bicep and Chanyeol noticed his surprise. He smiled, feeling smug; those annoying nights at the gym had finally paid off. 

“I can show you the world, coffee, cheesecake, Splenda!” 

Baekhyun smiled, “my heart has decided it’s not okay to spend any more time with you.”

Chanyeol’s heart skipped a beat, even after seeing Baekhyun’s playful eyes looking at him. Oh boy, he was fucked.

“What a dull heart, Byun Baekhyun.”

 

Baekhyun had picked a table outside the café, telling Chanyeol that he loved reading, but he wouldn’t be reading that day, because they were together, “it’s _rude_.”

As they ate, Chanyeol talked about a few funny things his classmates had done and Baekhyun told him, rather dramatically, about the time he’d had to deal with an annoying senior during his first year, but after a while, they’d fallen silent.

“So, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun started again, still chewing on the last piece of his cheesecake, “I asked Kibum about your ideal type, but he must really respect you,” he said after a moment, “he said he didn’t know, but he also looked like he was hiding something, and I thought, ‘well, maybe I’m his type,’ so I just asked if you were single, and he replied, not so graciously, I must say, ‘who would date a loser like that?’”

“What a messy shitface,” Chanyeol started to reply, confused about the sudden change of topic, but expectant. Baekhyun shook his head and continued talking.

“I replied that I would, and wanted to, and he laughed and told me to go for it, then, so here I am,” Baekhyun finished, looking shy for the first time since he and Chanyeol met.

If there was one difference between himself and Kibum that he particularly liked, it was that he gave nearly no shits about boundaries, whereas Kibum lived and breathed for them. Back to the issue at hand, Chanyeol had a problem: he didn’t know how to reply to that. No one had ever taken such a direct approach with him, and definitely, no one he liked as much as he liked Baekhyun. 

“What do you say, then?” Baekhyun asked, serious, “do we stop pretending we’re just two friends with no feelings for each other?”

At that, Chanyeol laughed. It was true he never tried hiding how attracted he was to Baekhyun, but it was still a bit unsettling to be confronted about it. He’d have never thought Baekhyun would be the one to take the first step, but if he thought about it, it’d been about time for a long time now.

He laughed again, “can you believe I was worried about bringing you here and making this look like a date?”

“Is that a yes?” Baekhyun asked as he raised an eyebrow. 

Chanyeol nodded, “it’s a hell yes.” 

 

**Gaegeum, Busanjin District, July 2016**

 

The summer was coming to an end, but Chanyeol felt like it was still spring. He hadn’t had enough time to rest because he’d learnt Baekhyun wanted to sign up for extra summer classes in hopes that he’d have more spare time. He wanted to find another part-time job, he told Chanyeol. 

Chanyeol wanted to be a supportive boyfriend, but also, he didn’t want to spend the summer bored waiting for Baekhyun to be free. He signed up for a couple more classes as well, and by the end of the season, he realised he’d had more fun than he originally though. It had to do with the fact that Baekhyun had started staying with him on the weekends Kibum stayed at his friends’; more often than not, he stayed from Friday till Monday.

They had similar classes, which made it easier for them to spend so much time together; they studied separately until they had to work on those subjects. It wasn’t the first time they studied together; however, during this period of time, it finally sank in that Baekhyun was very smart and talented, and he was a lot more passionate about his degree than Chanyeol himself.

In general, he was happy. His school year had been good, and his personal life had taken an unexpected turn that he was grateful for. 

“A penny for your thoughts.”

Chanyeol jumped in the chair and clutched his chest as he turned to the right to find Baekhyun standing there. He hadn’t noticed him.

“What are you, a ninja!?”

Baekhyun snorted, “you were so engrossed in your thoughts that you didn’t even see me walking into the store. What where you even thinking about?”

Chanyeol thought about lying, because there weren’t in a place to talk about such intimacies, but he knew Baekhyun would pick up on it as soon as he spoke. 

“You’re staying tonight, right?” Baekhyun nodded. “Then I’ll tell you about my thoughts later.”

 

Baekhyun opened the door to Chanyeol’s place with ease and Chanyeol huffed.

“I swear all of my things love you; you get the door open on the first try, my professors allow you to sit next to me during class and the electric can opener only works when you use it.”

“For one, I don’t talk about people as if they were objects,” Baekhyun replied, “that alone makes me very lovable.”

“Is that so?” Chanyeol said, rolling his eyes at him. 

Baekhyun hummed and helped him with the pizza boxes he was holding.

“What can we do tonight, then?” He asked, smirking when he saw Chanyeol’s face go red.

“You choose. I already chose what to eat for dinner.”

Chanyeol’s eyes followed Baekhyun as he walked towards him and placed a hand on his left hip. He swallowed thickly.

“So you can’t have more than one idea per day?” Baekhyun teased, laughing loudly. 

Even though he was a tad embarrassed, he smiled. Baekhyun’s laugh was slowly, but surely, becoming one of his favourite sounds; he laughed unabashedly, like he had no cares in the world. His mind often reminded him it probably wasn’t a very wise feeling.

He knew very well how it felt to be in love, and he didn’t mind the feeling; he remembered how happy it used to make him. However, he wasn’t ready to deal with the commitment a romantic relationship usually came with. Knowing Baekhyun, it was a big possibility that one day, completely out of the blue, he’d slyly slide the topic into conversation, and it terrified him. He liked Baekhyun way more than he thought possible to like someone, but if it came to taking a step completely out of his comfort zone, he’d end up running away.

“If that’s how you perceive it.”

Baekhyun chuckled, “how about some board games, then?”

By this point, Chanyeol was already used to what Baekhyun’s faux innocence look meant, and he was tempted. Really, really tempted.

“I can read your intentions like a book, and I’d gladly go along with your implications weren’t it for Kibum, who should be arriving soon.”

At that, Baekhyun seemed to understand Chanyeol’s reluctance. Chanyeol could see a small pout on his face, but he quickly recovered and smiled devilishly.

“Next week I’m telling Amber to help me. She’s gonna kidnap him. You’ll have no excuse.”

Chanyeol sucked in a breath.

“Like I would.”

 

Chanyeol threw an empty pizza box on the coffee table, trying to avoid Kibum’s rage in case he came home and found it on the floor.

Baekhyun had long fallen asleep at the opposite side of the sofa. He was hugging a bottle of beer and there was tomato sauce on his cheek and nose. Chanyeol couldn’t help but think he looked cute and took his phone from the floor to snap a couple of pictures for posterity.

The fake camera sound made Baekhyun stir. At the same time, the front door started to open and in came Kibum with none other than Jonghyun. Kibum looked at him, confused.

“What, you’re alone?”

Chanyeol shushed him, signalling towards a half asleep Baekhyun, who was completely out of Kibum’s sight. Kibum scrunched his face up in disgust.

“I would much rather not know if he’s giving you head.”

“He isn’t, thanks to some cockblock,” Chanyeol replied, suddenly remembering there was someone else in the room. “I hope you’ll be considerate enough to not do anything with your boyfriend either.”

Baekhyun sat up straight, stifling a yawn, “Kibum has a boyfriend and I didn’t know? I thought we were becoming closer.”

Kibum’s face was red and he was clenching his fists. 

Jonghyun looked surprised, “I’m not Kibum’s boyfriend.”

“You should be,” Chanyeol replied instantly, completely ignoring Kibum’s murderous glare.

He picked up the box and the bottles he and Baekhyun had drunk, and Baekhyun helped him tidy up.

“There’s one pizza for you,” Baekhyun told Kibum, “we didn’t know you’d bring someone home, so it might not be enough. There’s also beer in the freezer.”

“I treated him to dinner, so don’t worry, that’s more than enough. Thank you.”

It was Jonghyun who replied, looking apologetic as he grabbed a very angry Kibum by the arm and dragged him towards the kitchen. Chanyeol started walking towards his room and Baekhyun followed, but he heard Jonghyun questioning Kibum about Chanyeol’s words.

“Do you think I went too far?” Chanyeol asked, looking more worried than Baekhyun had ever seen him before. Baekhyun closed the door behind himself.

“Park Chanyeol, are you doubting yourself?”

Chanyeol sighed. He walked to his bed and sat with his back against the wall, signalling Baekhyun to sit with him. 

“It’s a long story. I’ll tell you some other time.”

“You’re no fun.”

Chanyeol winked at him. He grabbed his phone and opened the front camera; he rested his head on Baekhyun’s shoulder and smiled, closing his eyes.

“Let’s take a pic so I can update my Instagram.” Baekhyun rolled his eyes, but leaned towards Chanyeol and grinned anyway.

They debated over which filter to use for a while, and ended up uploading one picture each after a half hour. Baekhyun joked about becoming a famous Instagram couple like some guys they’d both followed the week before.

“I don’t think my mother would be very happy about it,” Chanyeol replied.

“Oh, so your parents don’t know you like men?” Baekhyun asked warily.

“I don’t know, I haven’t told them,” he replied carefully. “My older sister knows, though. And I like women as well, so I don’t want to tell them until I’m seriously dating someone.”

“What do you mean by that?”

Chanyeol could see this was a very sensitive topic to Baekhyun, and it scared him; he didn’t know what to say. What if Baekhyun wanted to end things with him after Chanyeol said what he thought? Still, honesty was always the best option.

“I mean that I won’t be taking anyone home to my parents until that person and I decide to get married.”

“Oh, right, that’s what you meant,” Baekhyun laughed softly. “For a second there I thought you meant you weren’t serious about us as a couple.”

It was then that it hit Chanyeol: they had never talked about their own views before. He knew Baekhyun was a bundle of happiness that took life seriously despite his playful personality, but he didn’t know what it was that kept him driven. And, even though Baekhyun’s smile was still on his face, Chanyeol could see relief washing over his every feature. He turned around until he was sitting in front of Baekhyun.

“They day we met I knew Kibum would be out with his friends so he wouldn’t reply to my messages, but still I texted him saying something along the lines of ‘I’ve fallen in love at first sight’,” Chanyeol snorted at himself, “that’s kind of heavy, right? But I meant it. Since the day I saw you at the bar, I knew I wasn’t drawn in just because you had the voice I was searching for.”

The confession made Baekhyun giggle, “I know, I’m irresistible.”

“When we started seeing each other regularly I told myself to let it be, I promised myself I wouldn’t push it because I didn’t want to push you away. I guess what I‘m trying to say is, I am taking this seriously.”

“Alright, prince charming. Sorry for thinking ill of your intentions.”

Chanyeol cackled, clapping loudly as he threw his head back. Baekhyun’s eyes no longer looked sad; that was enough for him for the time being.

When he stopped laughing, Baekhyun surprised him with a small kiss on the cheek. 

“You’re really cute, Chanyeol.”

 

**Dongseo University, Sasang District, September 2016.**

 

“Are you even paying attention?” Chanyeol heard Jooheon whisper from his left.

In all honesty, he wasn’t. His mind had been elsewhere throughout the whole lecture because he really didn’t like the professor. 

It’d been his own fault; he’d slept in the day he had to add courses for his autumn classes, and when he finally entered the school site, the class with the teacher he wanted was already full. So he’d ended up stuck in a class with a lousy professor that only blabbed about how much he knew and how useless they were since they weren’t professionals yet. Half of the semester had gone by, but he had no idea what class it was anymore.

It didn’t help that his phone had been vibrating non-stop for a while, but since he was sitting on the front row of the classroom, he couldn’t check the caller ID. He only hoped it wasn’t an emergency, even though whoever it was, was insistent.

He checked the clock on the wall and there were still six minutes to go. Turning his head around, he noticed many of his classmates doing their best to stay awake. It was a funny sight, one that made him feel less lonely. A couple of minutes later, the professor asked them to look up information about some guy who apparently was a film genius, and left the classroom. 

Just as Jooheon was starting to complain about how much he regretted signing up for that class, Chanyeol’s phone started vibrating in his pocket again. He quickly grabbed it and did a double take when he saw who it was. 

He accepted the call but didn’t get a chance to speak. Amber’s voice filled his ear, and the only word that could describe it was worry. She asked why he took so long to pick it up but didn’t wait for a reply. Instead, she explained she was at Incheon so she couldn’t do anything, but that Baekhyun was supposed to be in class and there had been a suicide attempt at Dongeui. She told Chanyeol to go pick him up as soon as possible and take him home.

Chanyeol couldn’t understand what was going on, but he wasted no time and started throwing his things inside his bag.

“Something urgent came up; can you please give this to Kibum and tell him I’ll be home later with Baek?”

“Yeah, don’t worry. What happened?” Jooheon looked worried as well. That didn’t help Chanyeol at all.

“I’ll tell you later.”

He checked his wallet, put his phone inside his pocket and sprinted towards the door.

 

He’d tried his best not to think about the possibilities, but staying still was driving him crazy. Had it been Baekhyun who attempted suicide? Seemed unlikely. Amber would have cancelled his trip and gone back, and Chanyeol knew Baekhyun thought strongly of it. He dialled Baekhyun’s number, but he got a voicemail in return. Why would Baekhyun have his phone turned off? 

Amber had texted him a phone number who belonged to someone called Jia, telling him to call her as soon as he was on campus because she’d already boarded the plane and couldn’t use his phone for a while, and to keep her posted.

 

The trip to Dongeui was usually short, but Chanyeol felt like he’d spent three hours on the train. His legs felt like jelly, he had strong nausea and his head hurt like hell. To make things worse, Jia wasn’t answering his calls.

He walked up to a group of people and asked them how to get to the design building, and they all looked at him like he was crazy.

“You haven’t heard? That building is closed today, there was an accident.”

He thanked them and tried calling Jia again and, this time, she picked it up straight away. He told her who he was, and she explained how to get to the library. She said she’d wait for him at the entrance. 

Chanyeol walked as quickly as his legs allowed. At the moment, he was more angry at himself for being so weak when he didn’t even know what was going on; for all he knew, Baekhyun had been the one to save the suicidal person, yet there he was, worrying and expecting the worst. 

There were two doors to enter the library and a girl standing in front of the one closer to him. He walked towards her, and a small part of his brain registered that she was pretty and gentle looking.

“Are you Jia?”

She nodded, “you must be Chanyeol. I’m glad you arrived quickly.”

“Not as quick as I would have liked to, but here I am. What happened?”

She must have sensed his uneasiness, because she smiled and walked through the first door. She sat down on a bench and told Chanyeol to do the same.

“I don’t know how to explain things well, so I’ll just explain what happened today,” she started. “There’s a guy in one of our classes, Choi, who’s super quiet, but also, super smart. He’s never been rude to us or our professors, so we thought ‘he’s just a nice, quiet person’.”

“This morning, he excused himself and left the classroom before the teacher had arrived, nothing unusual. A little while later, Baekhyun and Taemin, another guy of our class, decided to go to the bathroom and get a drink from a vending machine, respectively. I stayed in the classroom, so what happened next is what Taemin told me.”

“He heard Baekhyun scream for help and ran to the bathroom. When he entered, he saw Baekhyun grabbing Choi’s legs, holding him up as he thrashed, and Choi trying to hit Baekhyun with his hands. He didn’t notice at first that Choi had a noose around his neck. Taemin says his thoughts were so hectic he didn’t know what to do until Baekhyun yelled at him to call 119 and then find a security guard.”

“So, after Choi had been taken to the hospital, there was a huge commotion and our dean decided to send everyone home for the day. Taemin was still shocked, but the guard didn’t allow me to enter the men’s toilet, so he tried to compose himself and went in to look for Baekhyun who hadn’t come out. He says he found him inside a stall, and that he was throwing up.”

“They stayed there until Taemin could finally drag Baekhyun out. He bought him a bottle of water, but Baekhyun was unresponsive. He’s been in the library since. Occasionally, he goes to the toilet and comes back even paler.”

Chanyeol took a deep breath; that had been a lot to take in. What was worse, he was still worried about Baekhyun. He was now sure Baekhyun was unharmed, but that didn’t mean he was alright. He figured finding someone trying to commit suicide couldn’t be an easy thing.

“Amber told me you would take care of him.”

Chanyeol realised Jia’s voice was soothing and it was obvious she cared for Baekhyun. He tried to smile at her.

“Yeah, I told my flatmate I’d be taking him home today.”

“That sounds good,” she replied, getting up from her seat, “I don’t think his roommates would be of any help at all. Amber isn’t here and she and I live in a girls-only complex, so we wouldn’t be able to do much, either.”

She started walking and Chanyeol followed. He was worried about looking too worried and making Baekhyun feel worse, but he tried to school his expression into one of total calm.

They walked into the library and Chanyeol instantly spotted Baekhyun. He was in a far corner of the room, his head resting over his forearms, and his face was facing the window. The sight broke Chanyeol’s heart a little, but he kept a straight face as he got closer. When he was in front of Baekhyun, he saw his eyes were open and bloodshot. He silently sat on the chair opposite to him.

“Hey, Baekhyun, it’s me.” Baekhyun didn’t move an inch. However, he closed his eyes as soon as Chanyeol said his name. 

Jia sighed next to him. She grabbed Baekhyun’s rucksack and put the unopened water bottle and Baekhyun’s phone inside before signalling Chanyeol that she’d wait outside. 

When they were alone, Chanyeol reached out to touch Baekhyun’s hair and let out a sigh of his own. He had no idea what to do or say, and his resolve was starting to crumble.

“There might be people who need this table to study so, what do you say about coming back to my place?”

Baekhyun didn’t reply right then, making Chanyeol feel even more useless, but he slowly started to lift his head and nodded. Chanyeol felt relieved that he had finally moved, and waited for him to start walking. He let Baekhyun walk in front as he called a taxi; forcing Baekhyun to go home by train would be even more traumatic.

Jia was waiting for them on the same bench as before. The look of relief when she saw Baekhyun walking through the door mirrored Chanyeol’s, but she remained seated. Baekhyun sat beside her until their cab arrived, and thanked her for her help. She replied by hugging him and telling him that that was the meaning of being friends, and to not worry about tomorrow’s class. He somehow nodded and got in the car as Jia handed his belongings to Chanyeol.

“Thank you for taking care of him,” Chanyeol started; “although it wasn’t under the best of circumstances, it was nice meeting you.”

“It was nice meeting you, too,” she smiled. “It’s good to know Baekhyun has someone to fully rely on.”

 

Baekhyun had fallen asleep against the car window. He looked greatly uncomfortable, but Chanyeol didn’t want to bother him at all. As much as he wanted to hold him, Baekhyun’s body language made it clear he didn’t want to be bothered by anything. Still, Chanyeol could see a familiar street around the corner, so he’d have to wake Baekhyun up soon either way. He tapped him on the shoulder a couple of times, until he finally opened his eyes.

Chanyeol paid for the ride as the driver parked in front of the building. He got off the car right after Baekhyun and walked beside him. Baekhyun didn’t stop looking at the floor for a second.

Chanyeol was fiddling with the keys while they were inside the lift, trying not to speak since he was worrying about Baekhyun again. He was trying to decide what to make for lunch as they walked out of the lift, would Baekhyun even eat?

The door opened easily, revealing an empty living room. Kibum wasn’t home yet.

“I’m not feeling well, can I sleep a little?”

This time Chanyeol couldn’t react fast enough, so his surprise was evident. Baekhyun was unfazed by it, though.

“Uh, yeah. You can use my bed,” he replied, “I’m going to make lunch, so I’ll be busy in the kitchen. Make yourself at home.”

“Do you need any help, though? I can help you cook.”

Chanyeol shook his head, “nah, don’t worry. I’m just going to make soybean sprout soup. Kibum’s mother sent enough side dishes to eat for a week. You should go rest; I don’t want you falling asleep into the boiling soup.” Baekhyun smiled a little

“Wake me up if you need help with anything, I’d be glad to help.”

Chanyeol nodded and pushed him towards his bedroom, giving him an extra blanket before closing the blinds. He walked towards his closet, grabbed a clean t-shirt and turned around to look at Baekhyun; he was covered up to his chin, facing the wall and hugging his legs. It reminded Chanyeol about an article he’d read that said sleeping in that position meant that person felt lonely. He didn’t give it much thought and walked out of the room, closing the door behind him.

He quickly changed his shirt in the living room and walked to the kitchen, only to realise a minute later that they had everything except soybean sprouts. He didn’t want to go out again, so he texted Kibum. _Are you coming home soon? If so, bring some sprouts. I’m making soup, but we’re out of those._

Not even a minute later he got a reply: _sure. be there soon. jonghyun’s with me. is everything ok._

He explained briefly over text that Baekhyun had had a very rough morning and that he was now sleeping so they would have to be quiet. He didn’t wait for Kibum to reply, since it’d probably be just an annoying ‘ok’, and instead, looked up the incident that Baekhyun had been a part of.

There were loads of pictures, and in all of them you could see Baekhyun; the only word to describe him was distraught. He scrolled through different accounts of the many witnesses and most of them called Baekhyun a hero. There was even a video of the moment two men walked out of the bathroom grabbing who, Chanyeol supposed, was Choi, followed closely by Baekhyun and another boy, Taemin, probably. He read a few more posts about it before closing the browser and locking his phone, and started to doze off. 

He woke up to the sound of quiet chatter around him. Sure enough, when he turned his head to the left, he saw Kibum and Jonghyun sitting on the floor.

“Good morning, Chanyeol.”

“I had no idea that I’d hate waking up to your voice this much,” he replied groggily. “What time is it?” Kibum snorted.

“Asshole o’clock, apparently,” he rolled his eyes. “I put the sprouts on the kitchen table.”

Right. Lunch. 

“Did you have lunch already?” Both Kibum and Jonghyun shook their heads. “I’ll make the soup then,” Chanyeol told them.

He made his way to the kitchen and started gathering the ingredients for the soup. There was no way he’d wake Baekhyun for lunch, so he saved a small portion to cook for him when he woke up.

 

Chanyeol woke up from yet another nap to Baekhyun’s gentle prodding. The sun was starting to set and there was no Kibum or Jonghyun in sight.

“If you wanted to sleep you should have woken me up,” Baekhyun scolded him

He still seemed sad, but he also looked less tired and a bit more alive than before. Chanyeol sat up and rubbed his face with his hands in an effort to completely wake up. It didn’t work. He let out a yawn.

“Truthfully,” he lied, “I wasn’t planning on falling asleep. It just kinda happened,” he paused. ”Are you hungry?”

“Not particularly, but I should eat something. Did you eat?”

“Yeah. Give me a second and I’ll make you some soup; I didn’t want to cook your portion so you could eat something fresh.”

“Hey, I’m okay now, I can cook,” Baekhyun told him, looking a bit upset.

“I know you can, but I promised I’d cook for you. Tomorrow you can make breakfast for everyone so we’re even, if you want.”

 

Dinner had been peaceful. 

Kibum and Jonghyun later joined them in the living room for a game of monopoly, which Baekhyun won three times in a row. Jonghyun won the fourth and last round, and Kibum forbade him from setting foot in his house again because of it, which made Chanyeol and Baekhyun laugh. They laughed even harder when Jonghyun said he couldn’t stay the night and Kibum readily offered to walk him to the bus stop.

They said goodbye to Jonghyun and told Kibum they’d be in Chanyeol’s room if he needed them, but Kibum quickly told them he’d rather die than go into that room when they were together, to which Chanyeol replied with a ‘yeah, same feeling when you and Jonghyun hole yourselves up in your room’ that made Jonghyun chuckle even though Kibum was seething.

When the door closed, Baekhyun grabbed some tangerines he saw in the kitchen earlier, and went into Chanyeol’s room. He sat on the bed and slowly started to peel one of the tangerines, leaving enough space for Chanyeol to sit. Chanyeol did and waited until Baekhyun started speaking.

“Do you know what happened today?” Baekhyun asked.

“Jia told me what Taemin told her, that’s all I know.”

Baekhyun nodded, “they’re both trustworthy people who usually tell stories without altering them. What do you think about everything?”

More than telling Chanyeol a story, it seemed like Baekhyun was getting ready for something. It made Chanyeol feel uneasy again, unsure of how to answer.

“I think it probably was a horrifying experience, nothing else.”

“It was. My stomach still feels queasy about it, but at the same time, I’m glad it was me who saw it. I knew how to deal with it, that’s why nothing too big happened,” Baekhyun explained. 

Chanyeol didn’t know what to say so he stayed silent. Baekhyun handed him the peeled fruit and took a deep breath before telling Chanyeol to not interrupt him no matter what, to what Chanyeol replied by making a zipping gesture over his lips.

“My parents never wanted to have children,” he began, “they met when they were very young and it was the thought of not wanting children that brought them together, as shitty as it sounds. They enjoyed their freedom and didn’t want to lose it, so I guess they tried their best to stay away from pregnancies. They were never financially affluent, but they had enough money for just two people.”

“One day, though, my mother was feeling weird, so she asked my father to take her to the hospital. A couple of hours later they were told she was pregnant. None of them was particularly thrilled about it, but they agreed on keeping it. If it was sent their way, they’d be grateful and keep good care of it. Some months later, my brother was born.”

“According to my grandmother, he was loud as a kid, but he was exceptionally smart as well. My parents were so fond of him that they decided to give him a little sibling so he wouldn’t be lonely, and so, I was born two years later. I still remember us as children, we were a riot!” Baekhyun chuckled. “Our parents thought I would be quiet since my brother was not, but they were wrong. Still, they learnt how to be parents as best as they could, and gave us a good childhood.”

“My brother and I were best friends since the day I was born. He would always protect me and put me first, and I adored him because he was my saviour. Thinking about it now that I’m older, I can see he always distracted me when our parents fought, which happened at least once a month. Their fights increased as we got older and by the time I was 13, it was almost unbearable.”

“I overheard them once, though I couldn’t understand well what they meant, but they seemed very upset with my brother, so I questioned him about it. He was honest with me and explained everything carefully. When I finally understood, I couldn’t see what was wrong, but I could see my brother was very hurt. I was worried and I told him so, but he reassured me that everything would be okay.”

“Fast forward to my 15th birthday, nothing had changed. The fights never stopped, my mother would come and go as she pleased, and that day she just wasn’t there. My father got me a small cake, and he and my brother sang happy birthday to me. I remember I wished for our family to be united again, and I also remember getting a hug from my brother and a pat on the shoulder from my father. He looked happy for the first time in a long time, and, to this day, it still the best birthday gift I’ve ever got. No one talked about mother that day.”

“Three weeks after my birthday, I got out of school early. Normally, my brother would arrive first, followed by my father and perhaps my mother, and I’d be the last one to be home. I thought of walking to my dad’s job but quickly decided against it; being home alone with my brother was always the best. I thought maybe he could even help me with some ridiculous homework I had no idea how to do, so I went home. It was sunny that day, so I bought two oranges; one for me, one for my brother.”

“When I was finally home, I didn’t waste a second. I took my shoes off and ran towards my brother’s room screaming his name and informing him that we were home alone so we could wreak some havoc before our parents arrived. I knew he was home because his shoes were at the door, but he didn’t reply. I knocked on his door a few times, but he didn’t reply. I checked my bedroom, my parents’ bedroom and the bathroom, but he wasn’t there.”

“I knocked on his door again and announced I’d be coming in if he didn’t reply, which he didn’t, so I opened it, screaming at him to ‘stop jacking off’, because what else could he be doing to ignore me like that?”

“It took me ten whole seconds to take in the sight before me. The first thing I noticed was a small packet of rat poison beside a broken cup that still had some black coffee inside; the second, my brother was hanging from the ceiling, his eyes were open, penetrating, as if he were looking at me, terrified. His neck was bent in an uncomfortable angle and there was some sort of white foam both on his face and hands, as well as the floor.”

“I was so shocked,” he tried to continue, but his voice broke and he started sobbing uncontrollably.

This time, Chanyeol didn’t hesitate to pull Baekhyun in and hugged him tightly. He was surprised that he’d stayed calm telling such a heart-breaking story; he himself was on the verge of tears. There were no words he could say to soothe Baekhyun so he just held him. 

Baekhyun had never before talked about his brother, but Chanyeol couldn’t blame him for it. Now that he knew this, it was very easy to understand the reason behind his behaviour during the day. Seeing that guy trying to kill himself must have made him relive what could have easily been the worst day of his life.

After a while, Baekhyun stopped crying, but he didn’t break apart from Chanyeol.

“I was shocked, hurt, scared. I felt empty and alone. More than anything, I felt guilty. I still feel guilty. Why didn’t I notice he was sad enough to take his own life? Then I started to feel angry. Why didn’t he tell me how he really felt? Then, after I’d gone through so many emotions in a matter of minutes, all I could feel was nothing. That was the scariest thing.”

“I can’t remember whether I called my parents or they arrived on their own; I only remember not feeling. I can’t remember what I did for the rest of the year, and I’m surprised I made it through high school with good grades and no issues. The last thing I remember vividly is my brother’s figure hanging from the ceiling, everything else is a blur.”

Baekhyun took several deep breaths, but he didn’t speak for a while. He fiddled with his fingers instead. Chanyeol wanted to look at him, but that was probably not a wise decision at the moment, so, since Baekhyun was tucked under his chin, he moved his hand to Baekhyun’s hair and started playing with it softly.

“When I saw Choi today, I didn’t really see him. I saw my brother. I saw an opportunity, and I just reacted the way I should have reacted back then. The forensics told us he was most likely still alive when I got home. When they said that I blamed myself even more; I should have realised there was something wrong and go into his room instead of looking for him around the house. It took me a very long time to understand I couldn’t have done anything anyway, because the poison damaged his insides to the point he couldn’t be saved.”

“He left final notes for all of us; he even sent a letter to each of our grandparents. He told me he would not ask for forgiveness, and that maybe he was being more selfish than helpful, but he said he wanted me to have a normal life. He said he couldn’t have one because he’d always seek our parents’ approval, but they’d never approve of his decisions, so he would rather die than live with that burden, something I would never do. He got that right, the bastard.”

“I left home when I turned 18. I left a note of my own asking my father to forgive me, because he’d been the best parent I could have ever had, but I wasn’t a son he could be proud of. I told him not to look for me. I also left a note to my mother in a place only she would find it, and I told her I was grateful for the life she gave me, but as of then, she didn’t have sons anymore. Haven’t seen either of them since.”

“I ended up in Busan because my grandmother lived here. She helped me settle and allowed me to live with her for a while, until I found a job and started studying,” he momentarily stopped talking and sighed. “She died shortly after I got my scholarship, but the last words she said to me were ‘you are a boy who would make anyone proud’. I will never forget that.”

Chanyeol felt Baekhyun starting to get away from him, so he moved his arms and tried to think about something to say, but Baekhyun beat him to it.

“And that’s the story of my life, rather than the reason for my epic meltdown earlier. You don’t have to say anything, it’s enough that you listened to me. I had never told anyone the whole story; just that my brother was dead and stuff,” he gestured wildly with his hands.

Chanyeol could tell Baekhyun was embarrassed, but he didn’t quite understand why. He took a deep breath and grabbed one of Baekhyun’s hands.

“I don’t really think there are words I can say right now,” Chanyeol replied, smiling sheepishly. “I’m no psychologist, but I think you’re not giving yourself enough credit. You’re alive, you’re smart and you have a future. If I’d lost my sister like that I would have become a mess.”

Baekhyun bit his lip, “I was a mess for a long time, though.”

“But you didn’t give up on life.”

Chanyeol saw Baekhyun open his mouth and stop himself from speaking when he heard the front door closing. Not three seconds had passed when Kibum knocked.

“Go away, Kibum, we’re having steamy hot sex right now,” Chanyeol yelled. 

Kibum opened the door anyway, grinning when he saw they were fully clothed. He turned serious when he looked at Baekhyun’s face, though.

“Am I interrupting you?”

Chanyeol rolled his eyes, “you’re always interrupting. You’re already here, however, so what do you want?” Baekhyun swatted a hand at him, but didn’t say anything.

“I asked Jonghyun out and he agreed!” He half shouted.

Baekhyun got off the bed in a second and started jumping around with Kibum. Chanyeol would rather swallow the juice of 15 limes than admit he was happy for Kibum and delighted at the sight of him and Baekhyun jumping around being they’re loud selves.

For the first time, Kibum’s interruption had had a positive result.

“I told you he liked you!” Baekhyun said matter-of-factly; he looked just as thrilled as Kibum himself.

“He did tell me he’d been waiting for me to ask for a while. He even gave me a goodnight kiss on the cheek before getting on the bus!”

“Too much information,” Chanyeol said, trying to pull a disgusted face.

“Shut up, Chanyeol,” Kibum replied, unaffected by Chanyeol’s words as usual. “Move over, I’m going to tell Baekhyun the whole story.”

 

**Ihwa apt. complex, Namdong District, November 2016.**

 

They arrived at Incheon at 9AM. Chanyeol knew Baekhyun was pissed off at him, but he was still excited. His sister had offered him her own house so he and Baekhyun could have privacy, in exchange of spending a day with her and Baekhyun together. He knew it would be good to have her meet Baekhyun because she would give him an honest opinion about him. 

He was grateful they had the place all for themselves. As corny as it sounded, he was excited to spend the first hours of his birthday with Baekhyun.

“I’m jet lagged,” Chanyeol complained for the fifth time.

Baekhyun sighed, “for the last time, Chanyeol. We’re still in Korea.”

“Then explain why do I feel like it’s bedtime,” he said, following Baekhyun with his eyes.

Baekhyun was wearing his pyjamas: sweatpants and a t-shirt with a han character on it; the shirt was slightly too small on him. Chanyeol could not believe his eyes when he met Baekhyun at the airport, though; he looked just about ready for bed and he was carrying a small suitcase with him. It was unfair to Chanyeol that he got to bring minimum baggage, how did he even fit a week’s worth of clothing in such a small place?

“You see,” Baekhyun turned around with his arms crossed, “some idiots book early morning flights for no reason, and then, they stay up until four in the morning playing Dark Souls with their roommates,” he walked towards the bed, where Chanyeol was sitting. “And _then_ they have the audacity to ignore their phones and show up at the airport ten minutes before the flight is closed!”

He had enough reasons to be upset, and Chanyeol figured he was also feeling nervous and out of place, but it was probably the first time he had to deal with an angry Baekhyun.

After the Choi incident, it took a while for Baekhyun to go back to his usual self. Chanyeol noticed he was quieter and didn’t smile as often, and he was slow to react to things. On top of that, he got tired easily and slept more than usual, which had led to lateness to class and almost unnoticeably, but still there, lower grades. It’d been as if a floodgate had opened and now all of Baekhyun’s negative feelings and emotions flowed freely. 

Chanyeol didn’t give it much thought; he knew Baekhyun was still mourning the loss of his brother. Sure enough, Baekhyun was back to being his energetic self by the end of October.

“What are you spacing out for?” Baekhyun asked. “Go shower so we can get something to eat. I’m starving.”

 

They entered a hole-in-the-wall that served traditional homemade breakfast the whole day, by Baekhyun’s stomach request. 

“Can you believe I’ve never been to Seoul?”

Chanyeol gasped, “really?” 

Baekhyun nodded, “the farthest I’ve been is Daejeon. I don’t have any family in Seoul, so we never travelled there when I was a child. As an adult, Busan has quenched my city thirst well enough,” he chuckled.

“My whole family live here or overseas, but that never stopped me. Should we go kick the streets of Hongdae during the week?”

“Well,” Baekhyun smirked, “if you’re the tour guide, I guess I have no other option.”

 

Chanyeol crossed the street and walked to a bakery to buy a tiny chocolate cake and some candles. He’d told Baekhyun he’d be sitting outside, so Chanyeol hoped he wouldn’t go out looking for him. He paid and quickly walked back to the house. He waited a couple of minutes before coming in

The living room was empty and the kitchen was dark, so he walked straight to the bedroom and knocked on the door before entering.

“Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday to me! Happy birthday, Chanyeollie! Happy birthday to me!!” Chanyeol sang.

When he was done singing, he looked to the bed, where Baekhyun was clutching his stomach with one hand as he laughed. He had his phone in one hand, and Chanyeol realised he was being filmed.

Baekhyun stopped laughing after a couple of minutes, long after Chanyeol had blown the candles and made a wish.

“Happy birthday, you big baby,” he said as he walked towards Chanyeol. He gave him a small kiss on the lips and Chanyeol felt himself blush, so he turned to look at the floor, where he realised Baekhyun was standing on his tippy-toes with his hands behind his back. “I’ve got something for you,” he said, “it’s not much, but I know you’ll appreciate it.”

“You got me a gift!?” Baekhyun nodded.

“I just needed to unpack without you seeing the contents of my suitcase; did you really think you needed a shower at 9AM when you probably showered before flying?” 

“… No.”

Baekhyun burst out laughing; the look of utter embarrassment on Chanyeol’s face as the realisation hit was priceless.

“I thought so. Just now, as you left the house thinking I wouldn’t notice, I ninja-wrapped your presents, so go check them. They’re on the bed.”

Chanyeol walked towards the bed, excited because he thought Baekhyun’s gift was their trip for his birthday. 

There was something the size of a book and two slim boxes that gave nothing away. He chose to unwrap the larger gift first: two musician’s notebooks.

“That’s so you can write more songs. Isn’t that what brought us together?” Chanyeol nodded, going for the boxes next. 

He unwrapped the last two gifts before truly looking at them: a pick punch and a portable external drive. Chanyeol was speechless. Baekhyun’s thoughtfulness never ceased to surprise him; he always knew what others needed and was ready to give for the sake of making the people he cared about feel loved.

“Thank you,” he hugged Baekhyun tightly, “this is more than I could have asked for. I thought your gift would be this trip, because I really wanted to spend my birthday with you and my family, so thank you, both for coming here with me and for giving me all of this. I’ll take good care of everything.”

“Those gifts are only meant to encourage you; you have talent, and I don’t want you to give up on it,” Baekhyun smiled. “About coming here, well… you’ve told me so much about your dad that I’m excited about this; he seems like he’s a crazier version of you.”

“Wait till you meet both my mother and my sister. It’s a whole family package.”

“Your sister makes me nervous. What if she doesn’t like me?”

Chanyeol looked serious, “do you think you’ll like this cake I got?”

Baekhyun turned his head to the right, clearly confused about the change of topic; “I suppose I will.”

“Why?”

“Uh… because it’s sweet?” Baekhyun tried.

“Yes, because it’s sweet,” Chanyeol confirmed. “You, too, are sweet. I’m sure she’ll adore you.”

“That was so corny.”

“I think I saw you asking for an extra portion of corn this morning,” Chanyeol chuckled. “If you want to worry about someone, worry about my best friend, though. He’s like an upgraded version of Kibum; better attitude, worse sass. He thinks I’m a little child, so he’ll probably question you about everything.”

 

**Daedong apt. complex, Busanjin District, March 2017.**

 

Chanyeol hated seminars. Of course, they were helpful and easier than a month’s worth of lectures, but he still hated them. It was the third seminar he’d attended that week and he was about ready to go crazy. 

It was dinner time and it seemed like Kibum wouldn’t be home for the night, which wasn’t surprising. He had come home less during the weekends since he and Jonghyun started dating, and he was glad about it; he didn’t have to deal with them doing god knows what in Kibum’s room, and he could bring Baekhyun home on those nights without remorse.

Lately, however, he’d noticed Baekhyun was starting to get distant again. He was also very irritable and, though Chanyeol didn’t mind it, it wasn’t easy to really keep conversations alive. So, when they were together, it’d take them a while to start talking and it was always Baekhyun who’d stay silent after a while. 

Chanyeol chalked it all up to Baekhyun’s final project. Even Baekhyun himself had warned him beforehand that this project would take up a lot of his time and peace of mind, but that was the exact reason why Chanyeol wasn’t worried about their relationship; instead, he was worried about Baekhyun overworking himself. He had already been through Baekhyun’s blues once, and he wanted to do whatever he could to help him ease his stress.

So, although they’d made it a rule that Baekhyun would not stay at Chanyeol’s place on Fridays, Chanyeol had called Baekhyun and asked him to stay the night so he could take proper care of him. Baekhyun had been reluctant at first, but gave in after Chanyeol mentioned dinner, dessert and free alcohol.

 

“I really shouldn’t get drunk, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun protested, “I have things to do tomorrow.”

“I’ll get drunk for you, then.”

“Right.”

“You can get a little drunk, though,” Chanyeol smirked, “if I drink enough, and you kiss me enough, you’ll sure be drunk at some point. Whether it’s the alcohol or me, I’ve no idea.”

Baekhyun rolled his eyes, “I’m glad you never used pick-up lines on me.”

“That wasn’t a pick-up line,” he pouted; Baekhyun looked angry and that was the last thing Chanyeol wanted. “I thought drinking would lift your spirits, but I guess not. What can we do?”

As he finished speaking, he saw Baekhyun’s expression turn guilty, but acted as if he’d seen nothing; calling Baekhyun out on it wasn’t a wise decision at the moment, so he decided to wait patiently until Baekhyun had something to say.

“Let’s just sleep,” he suggested, “I got to be up early, and you’ve been yawning since I got here.”

“Yeah, I’m tired. Let’s do that, then.”

 

Chanyeol lied awake on his bed as Baekhyun slept soundly next to him. He wasn’t sure what kept him awake; although he was tired, his body refused to fall asleep. 

Baekhyun was curled into himself, his back completely turned towards Chanyeol. The sight made Chanyeol want to cry for some reason; he was feeling incredibly frustrated about himself and his lack of tact.

It wasn’t a secret to him that Baekhyun always appreciated it when he picked up on little cues, for example, when he wanted to be alone or when he needed to vent, so why did he insist when he knew Baekhyun was busy? It was a mystery even to himself. If anything, all he could come up with was selfish reasons; whether he was lonely or just wanted to spend time with Baekhyun, those were his desires only. 

It felt like a punch to the gut. He didn’t for a second stop to think about what Baekhyun wanted or didn’t want, what kind of person does that? Yes, he was worried about Baekhyun, but Baekhyun wasn’t a child; he could take care of himself well enough. He didn’t need a nanny to watch over him.

He rolled to his side so he was back to back with Baekhyun and sighed. Hopefully he’d wake up first, that way he could make a quick breakfast and apologise to Baekhyun for his behaviour. The bed dipped closer to his back and, after a moment, he felt Baekhyun’s lips against his nape.

“Sleep, Chanyeol.”

 

**Dongseo University, Sasang District, June 2017.**

 

“I’m just saying, how can you have Power Rangers with high heels? What’s next, they’ll take their suits off and have perfect makeup on?” Yoongi complained. “We all know they’re girls, and there’s nothing wrong with or surprising about it, but that’s a bit over the top, if you ask me. They’re _rangers_ , how do you even run and fight with high heels on?”

Jooheon nodded, “that shit never happened when I was a child. Guess we just have to bear with it; as long as they don’t portray them as weaklings, we’ll be good.”

Chanyeol was listening to them go back and forth over the topic without really adding to the conversation. He’d received a text message from Baekhyun in the morning, telling him to meet up later at the campus café. He was okay with it, but his gut told him something bad was about to unfold; it was time to go there, but he was dreading it.

 

“Hey,” he said when he spotted Baekhyun at a table.

“You look pale, are you okay?”

Chanyeol swallowed thickly, “yeah, I’m fine. Stomach’s been feeling a bit weird since breakfast, nothing I can’t deal with.” Baekhyun nodded.

“You don’t want anything to drink, then?”

Baekhyun was talking formally to him, which Chanyeol hadn’t realised until he asked, and it only helped fuel his uneasiness. 

“Not really, no. If I can avoid an unwanted trip to the toilet, I will,” he tried to joke, but Baekhyun smile was tense.

“You remember when I met your sister? She sent you to the bakery nearby so she could stay alone with me for a moment,” Baekhyun wasn’t looking at him. “I was nervous, I thought she’d threaten me with the typical ‘if you break my little brother’s heart, I will break your legs’, but she didn’t. Do you know what she said instead?”

“No.”

“I know. She was so sweet and unlike any other person I’d ever talked to!” This time, he smiled a bit more naturally. “She said to me: ‘Baekhyun, I know my brother likes you very much, I didn’t even have to call him to know; he texted me about you and it was obvious. I can see you like him just as much, if not more. I know because there’s sadness always present in your eyes, but it fades into nothingness whenever he’s around. I think what both of you have is beautiful’. She was the first person ever to notice that. I was surprised.”

“Was she?” Chanyeol was just as surprised, because he had never heard her speak like that.

“Yeah, but that wasn’t everything, she also told me ‘my little brother, he’s a bit weird, isn’t him? But I think you get him, because you hide your struggles exactly like he does. So, what I want to say is, I won’t threaten to do anything to you if you hurt him; he’s a big boy who can fend for himself. But I will ask you to put yourself first, to take care of yourself and be with him only if you’re ready to love yourself more than you love him. You will only hurt him, and yourself, if you don’t’. Do you know what she meant?”

Chanyeol didn’t, but he tried to think about his sister’s intentions. She had her own way of showing how much she cared about him, and he’d grown to understand her more as they grew up, but he was lost this time. Was she worried about him or Baekhyun? What did she mean?

“I don’t think I know,” he finally answered.

“She noticed that I’m not okay enough to be with you,” Baekhyun started speaking, looking Chanyeol in the eye. “Not even I’d realised it before, but she did. I often felt– feel guilty about being with you, because I cling to my past and can’t move on. Sometimes I’m happy but then, when I’m alone, I feel like there’s a black hole in my chest. There are days I don’t even want to get out of bed, days I don’t want to let you see me, as you might notice there’s something wrong, and I know that if you ask, I will take it out on you. You don’t deserve that.”

“I cannot put into words my feelings for you; they run deep, and I don’t think they’ll ever stop. You’ve been the biggest help I’ve ever had, you’ve been patient and you’ve taught me a thing or two about love, but I can’t give you anything.”

“That doesn’t mean I want to forget about you, because I won’t; whether you forget about me or not, that’s up to you. Maybe in the future we’ll meet again; every wish I make will be to find you once I’m better, hoping you’ll accept me in your life again. But as of now, I won’t allow myself to be selfish any longer, so let’s break up.”

||

_“I couldn't stop myself from unconsciously searching for your smile._  
_Even now, nothing has changed; I still keep on running to you.”_

 

**Seocho, Seocho District, July 2020.**

 

He opened his eyes only to regret it a second later; he’d forgotten to buy the cheap curtains he’d seen at the store once again. 

He could hear horns blaring in the near distance, and the sunlight entered angrily through his closed window. He stayed in bed, lying on his back and staring at the ceiling as he tried not to think about the day ahead of him. Four minutes later, his alarm went off and he groaned; there was no delaying his morning routine anymore, but all he wanted was to stay under the covers and avoid the whole world for the day.

It was a Tuesday, so he grabbed his yoga mat and got ready to work out. If he thought too much about it, he’d rather go to the gym with Chanyeol instead of doing yoga by himself, but it was too early and he couldn’t afford to think about sad things when it wasn’t even 8AM.

At a quarter to nine, Sehun was already waiting for him outside. Baekhyun sighed.

“You look like a disaster waiting to happen.”

“Good morning to you, too, Sehun. Thank you for your comforting words.”

Sehun laughed and started driving. Baekhyun really liked that he wasn’t overly curious about other people’s business; it gave him enough space to try and relax before going into the office. 

“Open the glove compartment, there’s something there for you.”

Baekhyun did as he was told and, true to Sehun’s words, there was a plastic bag with a store bought sandwich and chocolate milk. He smiled a little, thanking Sehun for his thoughtfulness.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. I figured you wouldn’t even have breakfast today. Don’t get crumbs on the seat and finish before we get to the main building.”

“Yes, sir!” 

 

It was noon and Baekhyun was already grumpy; he just wanted to sleep, but he and Sehun still had errands to run. They still had a bank appointment to attend and, in Baekhyun’s case, a fair amount of packing to do.

“So, you’re telling me the lorry is coming in the evening but you haven’t packed?”

Baekhyun winced. He didn’t need to be scolded when he was already feeling terrible.

“What can I do? I was too tired to move.”

“You could have called me. This is serious, Baekhyun, what makes you think you can put it off? We’re leaving tomorrow morning!”

“I know that!” Baekhyun snapped. “I know I should have done it, but I _couldn’t_. I’m not going to hold you back, so please stop telling me off for this already.”

Sehun nodded but didn’t reply; it made Baekhyun feel much, much worse. He knew Sehun was patient enough to deal with him, but he also knew that didn’t mean he had the right to lash out at him like that. In the end, Sehun could always do everything by himself and leave him behind. Sehun didn’t need him, but for some reason, he stuck around anyway.

“Finish your food so we can go to the bank. We’ll go to your house and pack everything afterwards.”

Baekhyun was so embarrassed and angry at himself that he hadn’t realised he’d lowered his head. He looked up and found Sehun looking at him. His expression was stern, but there was no anger directed at Baekhyun at all.

“I’m really sorry that I yelled at you.”

He heard Sehun sigh.

“It’s okay, I shouldn’t have pushed you.” 

 

They got to Baekhyun’s house earlier than expected, so Sehun told Baekhyun to shower and leave him to pack the things in his kitchen meanwhile. Sehun was familiar with Baekhyun’s house, so Baekhyun agreed and headed to the bathroom.

The shower felt like a godsend; it was the middle of the summer so the weather was a mix of humid and breezy, and it only made Baekhyun’s skin feel sticky. Baekhyun hated this more than anything.

He was nervous about their trip. It wasn’t the first time he’d go abroad, but he’d never thought he’d be moving outside of Korea, much less for work. Sehun had insisted it was their best option as individuals and professionals: the pay was better and, since they weren’t particularly close to their respective families, they wouldn’t have to deal with all the heartache of leaving people behind, like it would have happened if they’d declined and other colleagues had been picked. 

Sehun had also told him it was a good step for him, to leave Korea with all of his memories behind until he could come back and face everything, and as silly as he thought it sounded, it also made him hopeful. Maybe he wouldn’t be able to forget everything, but at least there’d be distance between him and all of his mistakes.

He was in the middle of shampooing his hair when Sehun knocked.

“Did you drown? You’ve been in the shower for over 40 minutes. Hurry up; I’m not packing anything else until you come out.”

“I’ll be out in a minute,” Baekhyun said as he chuckled. He tried to hurry, but they both knew he wouldn’t. A few minutes later, he heard the front door close and panicked, had Sehun got mad at him and left? He felt stupid and, this time, really picked up his pace.

He was walking out of the bathroom when the front door opened, revealing Sehun with two plastic bags in his right hand. 

“I see you’re finally done showering,” Sehun told him, “didn’t fancy seeing you naked, though, but that’s a nice butt you’ve got there.”

Sehun was _so embarrassing_.

“Compliments just aren’t your thing, are they?” Baekhyun replied, walking towards his bedroom. 

“My face does all the work for me. Anyway, get dressed; I bought alcohol to get us through all the shit you’ve managed to accumulate this past year.”

 

**Akabane, City of Kita, July 2020.**

 

They arrived in Japan at noon. 

Baekhyun hadn’t even bothered to wear other clothes than the ones he’d gone to bed in the night before. Sehun had let out his Baekhyun Sigh of the Day™ as soon as he’d seen him walk out the door with his small suitcase in hand. Baekhyun looked like he’d hardly slept, and Sehun wondered the reason behind it.

The company had assigned them each a small flat on the same building and floor, and the lorry with their belongings would be there in the afternoon, so they had enough time to walk around and get familiar with their new place. 

“Before you even suggest anything, I’m not going anywhere else other than my new bed. We can go out later tonight, or tomorrow morning.”

“Wasn’t even thinking about it,” Sehun lied.

They walked upstairs, stopped on the third floor and opened the door on the right. The people they’d seen at the meeting the day before had given them their keys and directions: the door on the right was Baekhyun’s home, the one on the left, Sehun’s. 

The inside was spacious enough and Baekhyun fell in love as soon as he peeked inside.

The door to his left was the shoe storage, which had a small lamp inside. To his right he found the toilet. Sehun looked over Baekhyun’s head and giggled.

“Baek, look! It has a sink so you won’t forget to wash your hands after you pee.”

Baekhyun elbowed him in the ribs.

They continued their tour, and found the place had been equipped with a microwave oven, a fridge/freezer combo, a table and a washing machine. He found a tub and a small TV, and felt pleased because there were enough things he had not thought about buying. 

The kitchen space was big because it merged with the living room and it had large windows with a decent view of the rest of the neighbourhood. They walked to the last two doors and the first one revealed an empty room with no closet.

“This must be some sort of office, I guess,” Sehun said. 

“Yeah, and I’ll get a kotatsu and put it here, because I have always wanted one.”

“You had heated floor back home, Baekhyun.”

“Well,” Baekhyun started as he walked to the only door left, “why do you think I never got one?”

When he opened the door, he found two bedside tables, a full-body mirror and two pillows in the closet.

There was no bed.

 

**Hanni Headquarters, Shinjuku City, September 2020.**

 

“Baekhyun, my friend,” Baekhyun heard his boss call from behind him, “do you know that doughnuts franchise that hired us because of your impeccable work?”

Baekhyun sighed. They’d been his first clients, and the pay had been great, but they’d been a pain to deal with, and Baekhyun really didn’t want to work with them a second time. Lu Han didn’t care about Baekhyun’s wishes, though.

“Yeah.”

“They want to schedule a meeting with a team of your choice; they’re thinking of expanding into the hospitality industry, and, their words, not mine, they want the ‘best team from Hanni, chosen by Byun Baekhyun himself’.”

“That’s just great. No burden whatsoever.”

Lu Han laughed at his response.

“I’ll let them know you’re willing to work with them,” he replied, walking towards the lift. “I might even tell them you said you’re thrilled to work with them again.”

Sehun had warned him about Lu Han, but he thought Sehun was exaggerating. When he started working under him, though, he realised the devil was as real as any other person and his name was Lu Han. He was good looking, successful, financially and emotionally stable, charming and cold-headed. 

He had a few weaknesses, though. His best friend, Yifan, was the biggest and worst one yet, although Baekhyun had only heard him through phone calls, followed closely by his open crush on none other than Sehun. 

Maybe the clients were annoying more often than not, but at least he got to have fun at work.

 

**Kintsugi Bar, Shinjuku City, November 2020.**

 

Baekhyun heard a knock on his door. Even if he’d moved in relatively long ago, the only neighbour who bothered him every second day was Sehun, because he was like a small kid; if he was bored, sad, lonely or happy, he’d always seek company, and usually, the closest person to him was Baekhyun.

“What do you want?” He said as he opened the door. 

“Let’s go out, I know a place in Shinjuku. They serve sushi and alcohol and there’s live music as well.”

“There’s a new One Piece episode airing tonight, tell me why should I go out?”

Sehun huffed, “because you’re going to become a virgin if you keep this up. Get dressed; I’ll heat up some rice so you don’t go out drinking on an empty stomach.” 

 

They arrived earlier than Baekhyun thought, and he had to admit the place looked a lot different than he’d imagined. There was a small stage space at one corner, and two floors. The upper floor was designed like a small theatre and the lights were dim; the ground floor had enough space to fit tables and stools around the stage. All in all, it seemed to be a nice place to visit from time to time.

“What do you think?” Sehun asked as they walked towards a table.

“Looks nice, better than I thought.”

“See? Better than staying in and watching yet another episode of that crap,” Sehun rolled his eyes. “Remember that friend of mine I told you about? Tao? He’s joining us later.”

Baekhyun nodded. He’d never met Tao before, but Sehun always talked about him and their days as students. Apparently, he’d moved back to China after he graduated from university, but decided to look for work in Japan after speaking to Sehun. It made him nostalgic to think about it, since he understood all too well what it was to have a friend move back to their country after spending four years with them. Jia and Amber had done the same and, though they still texted regularly, he hadn’t seen them since.

“What do you want to eat? It’s on me tonight,” Sehun offered.

“Wow, you must be rich!”

Sehun laughed, “well, Mr. Byun from Corporation Hanni picked me to work with a renowned doughnuts franchise’s first hotel.”

“What a sweet guy, that Byun!”

 

Baekhyun was full of food and still sober, unlike Sehun and Tao. He didn’t want to go home, but the pair of men in front of him were embarrassing him way too much. Since Sehun had offered to pay, he grabbed his wallet and used his card to pay for everything before heading to the bathroom.

He was washing his hands when another man entered the bathroom, yelling at whoever was on the other end of his phone. He did a double take when he realised he understood effortlessly what the man was saying.

“I’ve told you many times, Jongdae; just because he’s your friend doesn’t mean I will manage him!” The man stopped yelling for a second, probably listening to what the other man, _Jongdae_ , was saying. “Yes, he is talented, but I just _can’t_. I told you to wait a month so I can ask a friend of mine. That’s all I can do for you, take it or leave it.”

Baekhyun quickly exited the room in case the man noticed he was Korean as well. The last thing he wanted was to get yelled at by that guy; he was small but looked scary. Not the kind of Lu Han small but scary, but worst. Baekhyun could do without it.

When he got back to the table, Tao was asleep on Sehun’s shoulder and Sehun looked like he could hardly keep himself up. Oh boy, going back home with two drunks seemed fun in theory, but it was complete bullshit in practice; what did they even drink?!

 

**Hanni Headquarters, Shinjuku City, February 2021.**

 

Being free from the doughnut people felt like paradise to Baekhyun. He still had things to do for them at the office, but they were finally done with travelling and meetings, and that was the closest thing to paid vacations to Baekhyun.

“You look rather happy this morning,” Hyojin said as she walked past him to sit at her desk across from him. “Did you get a kiss from Song Joongki or something?

He chuckled. She was entertaining to be around, and Baekhyun couldn’t deny he thought she was beautiful. It sometimes made him jealous that she had such a strong personality yet she was open about her insecurities; it would always be a bit unbelievable to him that such people really existed.

“Better than that, actually! I am officially done with the doughnuteers.”

“Definitely better than kissing Song Joongki! Absolutely!” She nodded and clapped her hands in agreement. 

“Is he your type, though?” Baekhyun asked. 

“Song Joongki?” He hummed a yes. “Not really. He’s good looking, but I’m into skinnier, taller boys.”

“Well, you’re very tall yourself, so I guess that’s understandable.”

She smiled, “that’s exactly why!”

 

It was a Friday, and on Fridays, Hanni’s second and third floor workers ate at a restaurant nearby. The owners were related to the Hanni’s CEO or something like that, so the food was free and delicious.

Baekhyun was sharing a table with Hyojin and Yibo and he’d ordered pizza because he felt like treating himself to some delicious and very unhealthy meal. 

“I heard the team who worked for DoughnutLand will be getting free doughnuts at every store in Japan,” Yibo said casually.

“It’s true, yeah.”

“Then why eat one free pizza when you can have endless free doughnuts?”

“What if I become a pain in the ass after eating one of those things?” Baekhyun replied. “Those people only ever eat doughnuts, I’ve seen them; the more they eat the worse they are, I shit you not.”

 

They were done eating but there was still time before getting back to work. Most of the people from the second floor were already gone, but he could see every single person who worked on the third floor there. 

There were other people there as well. Even so, it was mostly businessmen.

He looked around again and spotted a man who looked familiar, but he couldn’t quite put a name to his face. The man was later joined by a short guy. Baekhyun thought he’d seen him before and tried to think about who he could be. After a couple of minutes Baekhyun finally remembered the small guy yelling in a bathroom a few months before. He thought it was a funny coincidence.

 

**Nishi, Saitama Prefecture, April 2021.**

 

Lu Han had thought it’d be funny to send Baekhyun to _Saitama_ to act as a supervisor at DoughnutLand’s new store launching party. He didn’t even designate someone to accompany Baekhyun. Maybe a laxative in his coffee would make Baekhyun feel better; he’d have to consider it.

He hadn’t been feeling too well lately, and the last thing he’d wanted to do was attend some party. On the bright side, he’d found out through a forum that a Korean singer would attend and sing a few of his own songs. He was, apparently, a prodigy who wrote songs and sang in three different languages, and that piece of information sparked Baekhyun’s interest, both as a music fan and as a Korean citizen. It gave him something to look forward to, at least.

 

The party had been, for the most part, enjoyable. Good food and drinks mixed with an entertaining atmosphere as well as an interesting show of future projects got Baekhyun in a better mood, until he realised he would probably have to work for them _again_.

 

The only show left was the Korean singer. 

They’d announced him, Chen, as he called himself so people from China and Japan had an easier way of saying his name. Baekhyun thought it was cool, and was convinced that he’d love the guy.

Fifteen minutes later, he was standing to the side as Chen, sang his heart out in Chinese. His voice was incredible and, even though Baekhyun only knew basic Chinese, he could understand the feeling of the song. It was only after three songs that Baekhyun noticed he partially recognised his face. He was sure he’d seen him before, but couldn’t remember where. It was frustrating and it made Baekhyun angry, but he remained calm until Chen said goodbye and left the stage.

Now that the party was officially over, all he had to do was say goodbye to the people who’d invited him and leave before it was too late.

 

He got home a couple of hours later but instead of going into his own place, he went straight to Sehun’s door and knocked, hoping he was home alone.

“I know you’re my next door neighbour, but I am astonished that you’ve come home to me,” Sehun said as soon as he opened the door.

Baekhyun sighed, “save it. Are you alone? Doing anything? I need to talk.”

“Did something happen at the party?” Sehun asked, turning serious instantly. “I told Lu Han he should have sent me with you; but it’s good, you made it in one piece.”

Baekhyun walked towards Sehun’s room and sat on his bed, waiting for Sehun to come in.

“The day we went out with Tao I saw a guy. He mentioned a name I know I’ve heard before, but I couldn’t put a face to it. Months later, that guy was at the restaurant and it took me forever to recognise him. He was with a guy who I’m sure I’ve met before, but I can’t put a name to his face,” he registered the speed of his own speech and paused, took a deep breath and started again, slower. “Today, there was a Korean singer at the party; he sings in three different languages and goes by the stage name Chen.”

“Alright, I’m trying to follow what you’re saying, but I really can’t understand why you’re so stressed out about some strangers,” Sehun said. “Do you think you know them?”

“Chen was the guy I saw at the restaurant, the one I’m sure I’ve met before,” Baekhyun explained; “but that’s not the problem. The actual problem is that I feel like I’m going crazy. I can’t remember anything at all, not dates, not side jobs and not people. It makes me feel like my head is worse than I’m aware.”

“But it’s not unusual to forget things, you know?”

“I know,” Baekhyun replied. “Imagine your mind is a white canvas when you’re born. There’s nothing much to see until you’re at least ten years old. Everything you do afterwards stays there, and before you know it, you’re 27 and your mind is a full colour picture, painted with oils and vibrant colours; there are trees and a small lake, a house and a door to the outside world. The sun shines most of the time.”

“I feel like my mind is painted with faded pastels, though,” he added a few seconds later. “Sometimes there are flowers blooming at a small corner, but if I want to watch them closely, they’re not there anymore. I always see them out of the corner of my eyes, but if I go see them up close, they disappear. The sky isn’t always clear, and most of the time there’s no door to the outside world.”

 

**Hanni Headquarters, Shinjuku City, August 2021.**

 

Baekhyun watched Lu Han walk out of the lift and felt dread make his way up his throat. There was nothing good ahead if Lu Han was on a different floor so early in the morning.

“Hyojin, Sehun, Fei, Baekhyun, come to my office.”

Baekhyun saved what he was doing and got up from his chair. He waited for the rest and walked together with them to Lu Han’s office.

“Close the door,” Lu Han ordered. He wasn’t smiling. “I know none of you are working on a special project right now, so I’ve picked you as a team,” he started. “There’s a man who’s working on managing new talents from around Asia; he’s been managing Chen, whose music I suppose you’re all familiar with, and he’s signed five new artists and added another manager to his business. He’s Yifan’s close friend.”

“We’ve already hired an architect and an engineer to help in case things get more technical, and they’ll be here soon, but you’ll be the core urban planners and interior designers. I know that’s not your field of work, but we’ve been hired for this work because we’re a company that deals with the Korean and Chinese businesspeople and investors who live in this country, and Zhou Mi, Yifan and I think it’s a great opportunity for the company. What do you think?”

Baekhyun was okay with the idea; it would be a challenge, but that was the reason it sounded exciting. They had never worked with musicians, either, so they all agreed.

There was a knock on the door and everyone knew it was Lu Han’s subordinate, Junmyeon; he was the only one who still knocked.

“Lu Han, the guys you hired are already in the conference room. Yifan and the boss are already there as well.”

“Shit. Let’s get going. Thanks Jun.”

Baekhyun and Sehun tried to stifle their giggles as they were inside the lift; Lu Han’s crush on Sehun was obvious, but Junmyeon’s crush on Lu Han was common knowledge within the building. It was probably because everyone who entered the company was trained by Junmyeon, and he never stopped praising Lu Han’s intelligence and excellent leadership skills. Lu Han adored the guy, but it was only as friends. They’d known each other for a long time and he had made it clear that his intentions towards Junmyeon were nothing more than friendly. 

They followed Lu Han into the conference room, where they saw the CEO, Yifan, and two other guys. 

“This just got real good,” Baekhyun whispered to Sehun; “they’re both hot.”

Sehun chuckled as silently as he could, “dibs on the one with the dimple.”

“Sorry to be late, I held my team back explaining the situation,” Lu Han said, smiling as he got closer the people in the room. What a gentleman.

“It’s okay, Zhou Mi knew you’d be late,” Yifan said, walking towards the two strangers. “Let me introduce you to architect Kim Minseok, graduated with honours from Seoul National University, and engineer Zhang Yixing, graduated from MIT.”

“Yixing speaks Chinese, Japanese and English, and he’s learning Korean,” Lu Han explained; “Minseok speaks Korean and Japanese, and he’s learning Chinese. We would very much appreciate it if you helped each other while you work together.”

Zhou Mi nodded, “since we’re considering adding them to our family, I hope we all can get along.”

 

**Kintsugi Bar, Shinjuku City, October 2021.**

 

Baekhyun was on the upper floor of the bar for the first time, and he was nervous.

It was the first time he was out with his whole team, and it’d been Hyojin’s idea to sign up for a singing contest to be held at the bar that same night. Everyone had agreed that he and Lu Han should sing; later Yixing joined the fun and signed up as well.

Minseok, Sehun and Hyojin had become a triple threat within the two months they’d been working together, and everyone at the office feared them. 

“If I didn’t know better, I’d think they’re plotting a murder,” Fei said from his left.

“They are,” Baekhyun replied. “They’re planning my murder. It will be tonight.”

She laughed hard at his dramatic expression, “it was nice meeting you, then. You’re the third to go on stage.”

 

“That was horrible, I feel like I’m going to throw up,” Baekhyun told Sehun as he got to their table after singing downstairs.

“You were incredible!” Sehun congratulated him whole heartedly. “Everyone around us praised you; not even I knew you were this good!”

At that time, Minseok arrived at the table as well. “You know Chen? He’s the one who recommended me for the work at your company, since he’s signed to DO Productions,” Baekhyun nodded. “Well, I came here tonight with him, and he said he knew you sang, but he didn’t know you were so good.”

“Who?” Baekhyun thought he’d heard wrong.

“Chen! Kim Jongdae from Incheon! He said he knows you.”

It was then that it all made sense. 

Of course he couldn’t remember him before; he’d seen him only once many years back, and he’d introduced himself as just Jongdae, Chanyeol’s best friend.

What could he do? He knew Chen would be singing at the end of the contest, but what if Minseok invited him to their table afterwards? Would he question Baekhyun about what happened? Would he tell Chanyeol he saw Baekhyun?

“Ah, yeah, something like that,” he replied shakily. “Sehun, can you come with me for a second, I need help with something.”

He started walking towards the bathroom, where he waited for Sehun.

“What’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“I might as well have,” he replied. “I told you I recognised Chen the singer but couldn’t remember why or who he was, right?” Sehun nodded. “He’s my ex’s best friend.”

“Is your ex here?” 

He hadn’t thought about that possibility. What if Chanyeol was there as well? 

“I’m… not sure,” he stuttered. “I have to go, Sehun, I can’t be here. I can’t let Jongdae see me or talk to me.”

“Let’s go home, then.”

Baekhyun shook his head, “just help me get a taxi, I’ll be okay. You should stay; Lu Han will be singing later and it’s still early.”

 

When Baekhyun was finally on the taxi back home, he was a mess.

Jongdae was friends with Minseok; that was a fact. Minseok being oblivious to everything probably told Jongdae they were working together on the DO project, which gave Jongdae advantage. Even if they hadn’t seen each other that night, it would have been a matter of time before they’d seen each other in Shibuya.

He was fucked, and he had nowhere to run.

 

**DO Productions, Shibuya City, December 2021.**

 

It was too early and too cold to be out of bed and all Baekhyun wanted was to go back home and sleep. 

“Good morning to all of you,” he heard Kyungsoo’s voice. “You must be wondering the reason you’ve been summoned on a Saturday morning, so I’ll go straight to the point. We’ve organised an End of Year party, and want you all to attend. DO Productions would not be what it is now without our combined hard work.”

“We’ll be showcasing a new artist at the party as well, so be sure to anticipate that!” Kyungsoo smiled. “That’s all for announcements. Now, since I know you must treasure your free time, I have booked a spa for all of us to use today! Feel free to ask for your own package at the front desk before you leave. There will be buses outside waiting for you.”

Baekhyun walked out of the room they were in after most people had left, still sleepy, but excited about free massages and skin care. Having that Kyungsoo guy as a boss was probably scary, but he knew how to take care of people, that was for sure.

 

He walked to the front desk and was given a medium sized box which he grabbed before walking towards the first bus he saw. He saw Minseok and Hyojin at the back and walked up to them.

“May I sit with you or would I be thirdwheeling?” Baekhyun asked.

Hyojin laughed, “he’s too short, and he’s taken.”

Minseok nodded, “her dick is too short, and I’m faithful.”

“Now I see why Sehun spends so much time with you. You’re terrible human beings,” Baekhyun replied, still laughing.

“We’re saints compared to that Sehun kid,” Minseok replied, trying to look as offended as he could. “He’s wicked.”

“He’s probably sucking face with Lu Han in Lu Han’s car,” Hyojin said. “They’re disgusting.”

“Can you believe I thought he was hitting on me when we were on our internships, and when I told him this he said ‘you’re pretty, but I like my men Chinese and in their thirties’? I would have never thought he was talking about Lu Han,” Baekhyun told them.

“Well, he at least knows what he wants,” Minseok replied, “they knew each other already, didn’t they?”

“Yeah. Lu Han went to university in Busan just like Sehun and I. They went to the same school, but Sehun applied for his first year when Lu Han was entering his fourth. I don’t know how they met, but that’s what happened.”

“That’s a nice love story right then.”

Minseok nodded, “love and lust, actually. If they’ve known each other for almost ten years and still go at it like teenagers I suppose their relationship has a nice balance of both.”

 

**DO Productions, Shibuya, December 2021.**

 

Sehun had been insistent that they were on time for the showcase; apparently, Jongdae had given Minseok the guy’s EP before it was released, and he’d invited Sehun and Hyojin to listen to it. Sehun was in love with the guy, he’d called him a musical genius and the saviour of singer-songwriters in Asia.

That was quite a title to give to someone and, in the end, Baekhyun was very excited himself because he was curious about this new guy. According to Sehun, the EP had five songs in Korean, and the title song had been recorded in Japanese as well. It sounded interesting; Baekhyun would have never thought the Korean community of Japan would be as close as it was.

Sehun only wanted to be there early so he could grab front row seats, and Baekhyun wondered if he knew it was a _private_ concert. They ended up sitting on second row since many people they knew were already sitting there.

“Are you excited?” Junmyeon asked him.

“Definitely. Sehun’s already heard the songs and he hasn’t stopped talking about him. He doesn’t even know his name, but it’s as if he was in love.”

“Lu Han told me about them like this new singer was the next Messiah, so I guess I understand what you mean,” he chuckled. “Let’s hope he’s good.”

 

The venue was completely dark, and Baekhyun took it as a sign that the show would be starting soon. 

In the middle of the front wall, a screen started to light up, and in plain white letters it read:

  
_He would not stay for me, and who can wonder?_  
_He would not stay for me to stand and gaze._  
_I shook his hand, and tore my heart in sunder,_  
_And went with half my life about my ways._

**A. E. Housman**  


It had a translation to both Japanese and Korean; Baekhyun teared up as he read it once, twice, three times. It was all incredibly intimate, and it hurt his heart to think about the man he’d left behind.

The lights had been arranged so that everything was illuminated except for the performer, who was wearing a hat. The visuals were completely on point, as if they were organised by someone who knew what they wanted and what they were doing.

The room started to fill with soft piano music, a melody that was undoubtedly sad and weighed hearts down, and after a few seconds, the sound of an acoustic a guitar joined that of the piano, creating a sound that was gloomy yet stunning. 

The song started quietly; the singer whispered a slow rap about looking for someone day after day, asking someone if they would ever return and telling them about a world without them. Baekhyun couldn’t hold back the tears as the lights changed and slowly started illuminating the singer’s face. The song had gone on to talk about the difficulties of living without the person they loved most, but Baekhyun couldn’t bear to look up. He recognised the voice and his mind went haywire.

Chanyeol was there, singing his heart out about someone who couldn’t be someone other than Baekhyun. 

He didn’t know how to react, he just didn’t want to be there, wanted the earth to open up under his feet and swallow him whole so he wouldn’t have to be there. His breath was out of control, he could hear himself panting and starting to sweat though he swore he felt cold. Trying to calm down, to no avail, he noticed the song had ended and now Chanyeol was introducing himself to the public.

Baekhyun stood up and walked towards the bathroom. It was a childish reaction, but he couldn’t stand being there, feeling all eyes on him, even though the only ones who knew what was going on where Jongdae, Chanyeol and himself. He felt someone following him, but he didn’t turn around to check who it was; all he needed was to be alone, away from everyone.

Twenty minutes later, the showcase was coming to an end; Jongdae would be singing a few of his songs and then everyone could mingle until it was time for dinner. Baekhyun was still hiding in the bathroom, scared of going out and seeing Chanyeol.

The door opened and he sucked in a breath.

“I know you’re there Baekhyun. What the fuck is wrong?”

It was Sehun, and he sounded angry. Baekhyun blew his nose and asked Sehun to lock the door. After a bit of questioning, Sehun grudgingly agreed and Baekhyun finally walked out of the cubicle he was holed up in.

Sehun didn’t even bother to hide his worry as he saw Baekhyun’s swollen face, “what’s wrong?”

Baekhyun took a deep breath and tried to talk through is blocked nose and constant sobs.

“Did you even hear that?” He asked. “I know that man. I know him well and I don’t want to let him find me, Sehun. What am I going to say? How can I apologise? It hurt like hell seeing him there, it hurts like hell. My heart feels like it’s about to explode from all the pain.”

“Is he the ex you always talk about?” Sehun inquired.

Baekhyun’s voice came out as a mere whisper, “yes.”

“I think you should talk to him. If anything, I think both of you need closure.”

 

It took over an hour for Baekhyun to stop trembling and crying. He hated crying, it made him feel weak and ugly. Sehun had left him alone in the bathroom in hopes of coaxing him out, but Baekhyun didn’t feel like it. He didn’t have any other choice, though, so he tried to look as okay as he could and washed his face one more time.

The door opened as he was swiping with his with a paper towel, revealing a bored Sehun. 

“Look, I think I know you enough to know this might not help, but,” he didn’t say anything else and instead pushed a scared looking Chanyeol into the bathroom. “Talk. You’re not getting out until you’ve talked,” Sehun said, locking the door from the outside with a key.

Baekhyun tried to keep his breathing even, tried not to cry and definitely did not look at Chanyeol. He heard him sigh a couple of times, probably thinking of something to say and coming up with nothing.

“Why did you run?” Chanyeol finally asked. His voice sounded rougher than it used to and Baekhyun hated himself for noticing something as trivial as that.

Baekhyun swallowed thickly, he could feel bile rising up his throat again but he knew his stomach was empty. And as much as he didn’t want to talk to Chanyeol, he knew he was expecting an answer.

“I felt sick. My stomach is still upset, actually.” 

Chanyeol hummed as a response. Baekhyun saw Chanyeol’s feet move closer out of the corner of his eyes, so he instantly closed his eyes and hoped Chanyeol wouldn’t touch him.

“Can you look at me?” Chanyeol asked. Baekhyun slowly looked up, but he couldn’t look Chanyeol in the eye. “Why are you acting like I’m out to kill you? Weren’t you the one who said we could start again if we met in a future?” Baekhyun nodded. “I’m not asking you to be with me, Baekhyun.”

For some reason, those words hurt even more. Baekhyun had never stopped to think about Chanyeol finding happiness in someone else, but it was a possibility as good as any other.

“Because it hurts to look at you,” Baekhyun replied, voice barely above a whisper, “it hurts to think about you, to say your name, to know I fucked up the best thing I’ve ever had,” he couldn’t stop now, although he knew he was about to cry again. “It hurts see old photos and wonder what could have happened, it hurts to be alone and it hurts to know it’s my entire fault.”

Chanyeol nodded, “it is. Even so, Baekhyun, I waited. I was dumb enough to wait for you, because I knew and still know you meant those words you said. I haven’t stopped looking for you, even when I cried and angrily punched whatever I could see. I wanted to hate you for making me feel the worst I’d ever felt in my life, but I couldn’t. You were so selfish! You only acted upon what you thought would be the best, but you didn’t even try to ask about what I wanted. I knew all of that, and still couldn’t hate you. Seeing you recoil and shut me out all over again like this, I still can’t hate you.”

Baekhyun was crying. He wasn’t even trying to hide it, because he did not have the strength. Chanyeol’s word hurt so much, yet they were exactly what he needed to hear from him. Still, the only emotion present in his heart at that moment was sadness.

So he tried to apologise, but the words didn’t come out. It hurt even more, because Chanyeol noticed; even after all those years knowing nothing about him, Chanyeol could still read him like a book, and he realised Baekhyun was on the verge of breaking down.

Baekhyun felt Chanyeol’s arms tighten around him before everything went black.

**Author's Note:**

> Mods' Notes: During the duration of BAE2016, we're kindly asking you to leave your reviews on [Livejournal](http://baeconandeggs.livejournal.com/33561.html). Thank you for reading!♥


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